Violation
by Delta Story
Summary: An episode expansion for FUSION. This introspective tale, recounts T'Pol's experiences with the Vulcan, Tolaris, told from her POV.


1 VIOLATION  
  
(Rated R for subject matter)  
  
(March 2002)  
  
by Delta Story  
  
~ An expansion on the ENT episode, Fusion ~  
  
  
  
I understand now why a vulnerable mind, led into uncontrolled emotion and desire, can decimate one's being. To a Vulcan, manipulation and intrusion into that most private world destroys and defiles with more anguish than any known death. Physical pain is but a mere shadow when compared to assault and ravage of the mind.  
  
One could argue that I was a victim of kae'at k'lasa, what the Vulcans call mind rape; but the fault was my own and I take total responsibility for my actions. I erred and strayed from the ways of my training and discipline; I crossed forbidden boundaries and allowed myself to be swayed by temptation. My experience with what others call 'emotion' has left me with a wound that will never heal. He was Vulcan; yet he violated me, tearing and ripping out the deepest, most private part of my being. He savored and masticated and assimilated it, and then returned it to me – damaged, mutilated and beyond redemption.  
  
~*~  
  
Many times over the past seven months, I have looked at my shipmates aboard Enterprise and conjectured about their capabilities to react to varying circumstances with differing attitudes. In my own way, I began to envy them this ability… wondering if their so-called 'emotions' allowed them to remain flexible – even thrive on –the unpredictable circumstances that face us constantly.  
  
I was leery from the beginning with our meeting with the rogue Vulcan ship. For years, the Vulcan high Command had known of this splinter group, the V'tosh Ka'tur – a nomadic cult, populating more than two-dozen wandering vessels, 'exploring' the galaxy… and themselves. Such groups were to be avoided, as they sought to undermine the mainstream of Vulcan discipline and logic. But the inhabitants of this derelict Vulcan vessel were in need of help, so it came as no surprise to me that Captain Archer, with his ever helpful albeit naïve persona, would offer help from the Enterprise and her crew.  
  
The Vulcan's captain, Tavin, seemed sincere in his request. Even when he and his two colleagues took pleasure in the eating of flesh at a meal, he seemed most Vulcan-like. And I also felt comfortable with the one called Kov… although he was more outspoken than I had ever known in a Vulcan, he, too, seemed genuinely sincere and eager to join forces with the Enterprise crew, in making amends with the otherwise fragile relationships among humans and Vulcans. For the first time in our journey, I began to feel a little more comfortable in a gathering of our frequently at-odds races.  
  
Tolaris, the tall one, was more of a mystery. He spoke little at first, yet I felt that he was trying to say more to me than what could be spoken. His sullen demeanor reached out and surrounded me… there was an uncomfortable sensation that he was trying to overwhelm me by his touch. I felt that his eyes clamoring to delve inside me, to gain access to my most private being. Without actually touching me physically, I could almost feel this as physical touch… touch – long abhorred by modern Vulcans – his 'touch' that all at once both fascinated and revolted me. It seemed that he even had a different scent from any other Vulcan; his aura brought with it a mesmerizing muskiness touched with a whiff of forbidden sensuality. Just his presence seemed an intrusion into my most private existence. Every cell in my body recoiled from his very presence; I knew that I should keep any interaction with this man to a minimum.  
  
I should not have been surprised when Captain Archer requested that I work with the alienated Vulcans on mapping the nebula that was of interest to both our ships. However, I sensed a chill of foreboding when I found out with whom I would be working on the project – none other than the repugnant Tolaris. But an order was an order, and it was most logical that I be the one from Enterprise to join in the endeavor.  
  
I found the Vulcan ship at odds with my expectations. It was not ostentatious, as I had presumed such a rogue vessel would be. Based on stories I had heard of the undisciplined V'tosh Ka'tur; it was quite the opposite. The ship was efficient in design and its décor presented itself as a picture of simple elegance – comfort without excess. Likewise, the ship's crew resembled its appearance: they were pleasant without being overbearing; polite but non-intruding; professional but not demanding. My questions about their lifestyles and philosophy were answered agreeably, without any semblance of defense for their way of life.  
  
I slowly became more comfortable working with Tolaris on the mapping project. Even though his background was in the study of literature, he proved to be most adept with our charting task. My earlier judgments about him became distant as we progressed with our work; we were a good team. He allowed me to initiate conversations, paced by my leads and inquires. The odd sensations I had had at first about his trying to engulf me faded.  
  
It was late into the second day, while we were discussing similarities in our backgrounds, when he asked me if I still meditated. Taken aback somewhat by his inquiry, I answered him in the affirmative.  
  
His subsequent response was quite incompatible with how I had begun to think of him. He allowed that in the past few days he had noted that, in my working so close with humans for an extended period within our limiting physical environment, he could sense that my own emotions no longer appeared buried deep within me but were running close to the surface. I had not seen this with myself; after all, I did proscribe to the daily rituals of Surak and contained all within myself, never allowing my emotions to be noted by others. However, given the absence of any other Vulcans of Enterprise, perhaps I had become lax in my complete discipline; now, working in the close presence of another Vulcan, this flaw became evident.  
  
Tolaris seemed sincere in his queries regarding my 'feelings'. The anxiety I had felt about a single incident back on Earth, when I had dared to venture away from the constraints of my people, leapt into my forethoughts. He must have sensed this fleeting memory, for his next words challenged me.  
  
"Tonight… do not meditate; see what happens." His voice, rich in its velvety darkness, wrapped itself around me, consoling and seducing me in his calm entreaty.  
  
And so it was that I began a dangerous walk once more, allowing myself to be tempted to leave the sanctioned confines of my disciplined life.  
  
~*~  
  
A dream… or was it real? The vividness of the thoughts rushed into my synapses, pulling me into the wake of forbidden worlds. The siren song of discordant alien tones drew me into their presence and drugged me… throwing me into an unknown scene. The music bid me to pass through the doors into an unknown world, an erotic world rife with human decadence. I sat at a table, waiting for something… what? I could not remember.  
  
But the heat of the restaurant suddenly became the heat of something else… of bare flesh pressing against mine, pleading and urgent with desire. The coolness of my bedsheets became flames, encircling our two bodies, as we writhed in animalistic pleasure and need. With passion known only in pon farr, we thrashed and tumbled, thinking only of the pleasure of the moment, the pleasure of the flesh. He tasted me, and I, him – a sweet and savory delicacy I had never experienced before. Forgetting logic, I knew that I wanted him… I wanted more of him… and of these new feelings. Our actions intensified, our bodies insistent in their primal desires. He rolled on top of me and I gasped, knowing what would come next. My body tensed, awaiting the indescribable satisfaction of …  
  
I awoke suddenly, confused in the whirling limbo between dream and wakefulness. I was gasping for breath… quaking… sweating… burning up. I turned my head, expecting to look directing into the embers of his eyes. I was met by… nothing. I was alone in my bed.  
  
For the first time in many years, I was afraid.  
  
~*~  
  
A visit to sickbay and a few words with Phlox calmed me a bit. I find our doctor rather strange; although he himself is not human, he definitely espouses exploring other aliens and their cultures, most certainly including the quirks and habits of our host crew, the humans. He shares with humans a passionate curiosity, something I find rather repellent, as it requires one to share intimate details of one's life.  
  
However, he also shares the human trait of sensitivity and recognizes when he is treading into forbidden areas. He quickly realized that further prodding of my agitated state was not going to bring him any more salient details. With a brief, casual warning to be careful, he gave me the medication I requested and said no more. However, I sensed that he knew there was something far deeper and darker to the situation than I had revealed. With my own newfound heightened fledgling emotions, I 'felt' his eyes following me as a left sickbay.  
  
I proceeded to my duty station on the Vulcan ship, my former emotionless face well in place when I entered the astrolab. Tolaris and I shared perfunctory words of greeting and began our day's agenda.  
  
Gradually, Tolaris led into an inquiry of my actions following our conversation of the day before, tentative in asking me for details of what had happened. I had not wanted to say anything, for, in spite of the medication, my mind was still reeling with the repercussions of the dream. But, much as a moth is drawn into a flame, so was I drawn to the lure of his words  
  
Soon, he convinced me that, with his guidance, further exploration would not be harmful. Indeed, he stated, he could help me grow in my experiences, sharing the wealth of his knowledge. Again, his words consumed and comforted me, promising me absolution and understanding of the cataclysmic barrage of images that battered my spirit from the night before. I agreed to let him join me that evening, hoping that with such guidance I once more would gain ordered control in my world. Understanding… awareness… appreciation… all would be known through the mental communication he proposed. A 'mind meld', he called it – a method that would allow us to merge our thoughts and resolve the incongruities of our essences. It was an old method, he said, but one that he spoke of with promise and knowledge.  
  
~*~  
  
At first, I considered it all as an experiment… a charting of the unknown, much as we were doing with the nebula. Tolaris seemed sympathetic; his empathy with the forbidden urges I had felt … was comforting and almost… logical. He reached towards me, his fingers splayed like threads of a web, a web that I suddenly sensed would entangle me irrevocably. I hesitated momentarily, drawing back with a nameless fear, only to find myself fully entrapped within his grasp. Any further motion merely caused me to become more entwined within his snare. Fear engulfed me as I realized that I had lost all control of the situation… that anything that happened would be of his volition, not mine – and that I could do nothing.  
  
His eyes… his touch… his mind… they all suddenly became one assaulting weapon, pummeling me on all sides, lashing out at me with wild senses that scathed and pierced me, never backing off, just continuing the eternal blows to my senses. The dream resurfaced, and I found myself… no, us! in the nightclub back on Earth… close, intimate, heated. Deeper we went into this dark shadowy world – looking, searching, yielding, merging.  
  
Suddenly, the music, once interesting, now tore at my senses, each note a stab of cold steel. His image grew and ebbed, swirling about me… encompassing me… embracing me. Colors and smells and lights strangled thought, leaving me with black nothingness, the maw of a grave waiting to claim my soul and body. The air was hot and heavy, rank with raw energy and primal scents.  
  
"Stop!" I managed to hiss out, only to see his determined resolute, his fingers now burning into permanence into my flesh… our flesh and our minds claiming oneness, a mortal singularity. He saw my indiscretions, shared my dreams; he was my dreams, now as he had been during my sleep the night before. Only this time, I could not wake up; it was real.  
  
I tried to pull away but still he clung, his strong fingers conduits for his thoughts and mine, merging and melding into togetherness, his pleasure running rampant with each stolen dream and vision. I felt his heart beating in syncopation with the music, pulling my own life blood into his. Each erratic rhythm ran through our veins – hot, throbbing and pulsating. His breathing wrapped itself around mine; he was living off my own willed breaths to the point that I thought I would suffocate for lack of any personal control.  
  
"Stop!" I screamed silently; but he was too much into the throe of his own emotional climax to cease. Further and deeper he plunged, this mental coitus more unrelenting than anything possible in its physical counterpart. His senses ripped through my thoughts… tearing through the boundaries of my most private of sanctuaries… delving into the forbidden places of my life. Harder and harder he pushed, attempting to know and sense all, ripping through layers of memory and subconscious, stripping me of what little remained of my individuality, shredding my very being.  
  
Finally I found a bit of hidden strength and managed to break the physical contact. There was no pleasantness to this ordeal; I only wanted to be rid of him… of his presence… of the remains of the defilement to my spirit. He had stolen part of me and made it his own; his mind had violated my katra. My physical being cried out, wanting to free itself from the bruising barrage of his assault; my mind and spirit ceased to exist, buried within the shadows of what remained inside. I was helpless and ravaged, a destroyed vessel. I will never be clean again, for he has left eternal wreckage imbedded within the emotional scars.  
  
"What a shame," he said, his final words wielding the final blow in futile attempt to transfer the blame for his vile actions onto my violated mind and body. He exited, slinking into the darkened corridors of Enterprise, reminding me of a predator denied his trophy. His eyes, still dark and demanding, seethed with disappointment, silently threatening to return to claim his trophy.  
  
The next thing I knew was in sickbay… again. The doctor stated that I had summoned him, but I had no recollection of contacting him. He was solemn and somber as he began to access me of my state of being, stating that he could not promise me that there would be complete restoration of my physical and emotional well-being this time; a great deal of damage had been incurred.  
  
He did not have to elaborate with further words; I knew that he would never forgive Tolaris for what had happened, either.  
  
~*~  
  
They are gone now.  
  
I asked Captain Archer if he dreams; he said yes. I asked him if they were… pleasant; he said that most of the time they were. Of what does he dream? What is 'pleasant' to him? Would my dreams – if he knew them – be considered 'pleasant' by him? Are such dreams what occur when one allows emotion to become unrestrained? Do these dreams… and these emotions… always prey on the physical well being of the body, such as my experiences did? If so, I prefer not to dream, for such dreams only bring on physical abuse and punishment. It is much more… logical… to sublimate such destructive forces and control these base instincts; to not do so brings on annihilation of the body and the soul.  
  
Who needs emotions? They do nothing more than cause pain and grief, tainting the greater being of an individual. I will redouble my meditation periods; perhaps one day I will learn to trust again.  
  
I still envy humans their ability to share their innermost thoughts, to take pleasure from their dreams. I dare not speak of mine – or even think of them – for they would consume me as quickly and as surely as the inner fires of Mount Seleya.  
  
I will never be clean again, for he has left an eternal filth imbedded within the inner sanctum of my mind.  
  
  
  
~ finis ~ 


End file.
